Whats up all you cool cats and kittens!
On todays episode of Borderline Basic we have: sexual predators up for election, feelings of self doubt, and scrambling to find some sense of routine/normalcy.
These are strange times that we are living in yall. I can’t even believe it. When I said that I wanted to be apart of history this is NOT what I meant! For many of us this is going to be one of the most pivotal points in our life time. This period of time will go down in history not only because of the pandemic, but politically as well.
I know that I am personally struggling with several aspects of our current situation, and to be quite honest...I’m feeling pretty triggered. I’m angry, I’m scared, and I’m socially deprived.
Let’s start with the easy stuff. Those of you who know me personally know that I am a social person. I don’t really have any hobbies, but thats because I don’t really have time for hobbies. I work over 40 hours a week while attending school full time during the week. When you add in homework and attempting to spend some time with my partner that doesn't leave much time for hobbies. I went from being an absurdly busy person who barely had time for a social life to having WAYYYYYY too much time on my hands very abruptly. This serious schedule change has left me reeling with boredom. I mean sure, I have plenty of books to read, but for some reason every time I sit down to read I loose all of my focus, and every time I think “Maybe I’ll bake something today” I can’t get up to do it. Then I bounced some ideas around about attempting to DIY my apartment....but then I realized...there isn’t much hope for improving my steadily declining apartment. So I sit here day in and day out trying incredibly hard to think of something that would give me even an ounce of fulfillment, but at the end of the day I go to bed with nothing to show for my rotating list of ideas. I see all of these people on social media who are painting with their friends, doing creative challenges, and leading online yoga and I think to myself “Why can’t you be as productive as they are? Why can’t you be as creative as they are? Why can’t you find a hobby”? All of the self confidence that I’ve been building over the last few years is rapidly declining and its all because I can’t find a hobby? That seems insane to me, but here I am, feeling less fulfilled than ever. So today I have made the decision to force myself into being productive because I can’t take another minute of being negative towards myself. So starting today, I will read for an hour a day at least, do yoga at least three times a week, and I will cook a big meal at least three times a week. These aren’t crazy big goals, but I hope that If I create a schedule for myself then I’ll get kicked back into productive mode and at least feel busier if not more fulfilled. Who knows, I might even form a healthy habit due to my efforts to enforce these things!
And now for the hard stuff. I don’t talk about it often, I also don’t try to hide it, but I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults. It’s an issue I prefer to deal with mostly in private and I usually can’t even work up the courage to discuss it with my therapist. It’s traumatic for me to think about because I repressed these memories for years and when I think about these experiences it feels like my brain betrayed me and like I lost a part of me when I repressed them. It feels almost like I didn’t live those experiences because when I think about them now its hard for me to accept that those things happened to me. In the last week, I’ve been more triggered than normal, I deal with things every single day that remind me of these experiences...but this is an entirely new level. Last week, my government told me that I have to choose between two “alleged” sexual predators to be my president.
Let that sink in for a second.
I’ll repeat that for you again. My only choices for president are two people who have multiple allegations of sexual assault and sexual misconduct against them.
I live in a country where we are telling young women and young men that its okay to treat and touch people how you want as long as you are in a position of power. This has been an underlying theme in our government for a long time, but now It’s blatant and I’m MAD. So what am I supposed to do? I want to vote. I feel like I need to vote. But my brain and my heart are telling me that this is not acceptable and I want no part in it. I have many people telling me “At least Biden is better than Trump” but to me he isn’t. Sure their policies are different, but are they REALLY that different of people? If Biden is capable of being a sexual predator than that is not the kind of person I want in office. One of my main arguments against Trump (not the only but the main) is that he has numerous accusations (and cases) of sexual assault. Ive spent the last four years saying how absolutely unbelievable it is to me that we elected a rapist as our president. How can I then turn around in this election and vote for Biden when he is accused of the same thing? What does that say about my integrity? It’s okay for Biden to be president and to look past his allegations but It’s not okay for Trump? That would make me a Hypocrite. And on another note... can you imagine how incredibly triggering it is for me to have to process this information? All I can think about is if it came down to having to choose between any one of the men who assaulted me and what I would do, and let me tell you I wouldn’t want a single one of those men to be in office! They were all men who were close friends at one point in time, so if I can’t look past what happened to me despite knowing their character outside of those events then how am I to be expected do it with men that I do not know? And despite the fact that it was neither Trump nor Biden who assaulted me, that is exactly what it feels like for me to be in this situation. I feel defeated. I feel panicked. I feel betrayed by the DNC for continuing to support Biden after years of being “outraged” at Trumps accusations. I feel as though my vote doesn’t matter. I feel hopeless and lost.
This is a sad time not only because of the pandemic, but because of politics. Every day I see people fighting over party issues, instead of looking at the bigger picture. Our country is dealing with not one, but two viruses. Our government is failing us, and It’s no longer something that can be hidden. State governments around the country are showing signs of corruption and extreme carelessness for its citizens. They are using this pandemic to further party goals instead of caring for their people as they should be. Our media is a constant flow of uncertainty. We are never sure who or what to trust. Our world is collapsing as we know it and it saddens me to watch this happen. Our once great country is not even close to what it once was. I hope that this situation sparks change. I hope that this inspires people to take up interest in what they can do to make our country as great as it once was. I hope that my fellow humans are kind to themselves in this very trying time. I hope that we are all showing and giving as much love to our friends, family, and strangers as much as possible. I know that I need a little extra care in this time, as I’m sure many others do.
Take joy in the little wins, and remember this when the time comes to make the choices for change yall.
Until next time,
B.
February 08, 2023
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