TW: Body Dysmorphia, Self Image, Weight, Self Confidence, Eating Disorders
Self Confidence. I don’t think I can name a single woman in my life, or even person in general, that hasn’t struggled with their self confidence. It’s a topic that is widely focused on now, but still isn’t where it should be. The amount of pressure on people to look their best and be at their best weight is still so completely over whelming, and to be honest defeating. Though we have come quite far with companies being more inclusive and including people with “real” bodies in their ad campaigns, those of us who grew up before this theme of inclusivity became so widely accepted, are still about as damaged as can be.
Growing up in the early 2000′s was a wild ride for sure. It was the beginning of reality TV and angsty teen dramas. Every girl you saw on TV or in the magazines was tall and skinny as all hell. In every magazine that you read there were rumors of so-and-so having some eating disorder, or a drug addiction that was attributing to her lack of body mass. But let’s face it, it was never those girls faults that they struggled with their image or felt the need to take supplements to have the perfect body. We have modern society to blame for this. In our society there is so much value, and in many cases the exact opposite, placed on a woman’s body. From how she looks, to what she chooses to do with it. Every choice is carefully monitored and judged, and it doesn’t end with the celebrities. It happens EVERY DAY to regular people.
Just a few years ago I was out running errands on a 100+ degree day, wearing a tank top and soccer shorts, just trying to stay cool. All of a sudden a Jeep drove past while a guy screamed out of the car “Put some clothes on slut!!!!”. As I looked down at my outfit to check that something wasn’t out of place I felt so much shame over my own body, and for no reason other than some self righteous mans comments.
So this is the problem. We have trained young women and men to put so much value on the way that they look and dress. We have taught people that they hold more, or even less value than someone else based on their appearance, and I’m not just talking about about clothes. I’m also talking about people who are told that they are too pretty or attractive to be taken seriously, people with body mods who are told that they will never have a serious career, and people who are told that they are too over weight or under weight for X, Y, and Z reasons.
So how does this effect me??
I often find myself struggling with my body image. Most days I hate the way my body looks. I look at myself in the mirror and I think about a time when I was much thinner and younger. Now for those of you who know me, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware of how small and young I am. I’m not looking for sympathy, but It’s something I have to constantly remind myself of, because most days I really don’t FEEL like I am small or young looking at all. Most days I look in the mirror and all I can see are things that I hate and the body I wish that I still had. I look back at old pictures (which is what sparked this post) and I don’t even recognize myself as the girl in those photos. I feel so detached from this body, and my image, and seeing old photos never fails to make me feel worse. I am constantly comparing myself with myself, isn’t that crazy?! I am sure that my BPD plays a large part in all of this, but I can’t fight the feeling that I will never be satisfied with my body. I am constantly at war with my appearance and I’m so tired of feeling like I need to compete with my 19 year old self. I know that this feeling is only going to grow as I get older, so I guess I am just trying to acknowledge this feeling so that hopefully I can grow from it and learn how to love my self more.
Until next time,
B.
February 08, 2023
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