Maaaaan. Can I get a “hell yeah” from all my friends who struggle with sleep due to anxiety, depression, insomnia, or literally any reason that may keep you up at night?
Let me tell YOU. I used the be the best sleeper in the world! Even my mom will tell you that I could have slept through a tornado and not have even known the difference, but that sweet sweet release of sleep has gone COMPLETELY down the drain in the last year or so.
For some people, like my very odd boyfriend (love you!) sleep is a waste of time, but an unfortunate necessity. Some people would rather spend the time that they are sleeping working on projects or doing pretty much anything else aside from laying in bed.
For people like me, sleep is an absolute necessity, and a much need reset. The word rest is important, because if you are like me, you NEED that time to allow your brain to turn off so you can finally get some fricken PEACE. I spend literally all day everyday thinking about as many things as I possibly can, and I can’t ever make it stop. It’s exhausting and debilitating and sometimes those 6-8 (recommended) hours are the only thing keeping me from snapping, and I’m not the prettiest picture when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Additionally, like most people who struggle with mental health, those hours of sleep can be the difference in setting off an episode, or helping me keep my emotions under control.
Here’s the unfortunate thing for me. I rarely get a good nights sleep anymore. Between my noisy roommate, the absurdly loud street at night, my boyfriend snoring/tossing and turning, and my never ending anxiety and rambunctious brain, I am left wanting to tear my hair out most mornings. Gotta love my poor sweet boyfriend for dealing with the hell that is me after a night of sleeplessness! There have even been nights where I wake up to go to the bathroom, come back to lay down, and I literally can’t get back to sleep because a song is on repeat in my head. The most recent song was basically just two lines from the ending scene in Grease. Can you even imagine? “YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT YOU ARE THE ONE I WANT WOOO WOOO WOOOOOOOO HONEY” over and over and over again until I need to get up for work. I mean COME ON, this is the reason I can’t get back to sleep?! I suppose I have my Halloween costume to thank for that wonderful night.
It’s gotten so bad that I use a white noise machine, take special melatonin that are instant AND extended release, as well as wear ear plugs when needed, and I still can’t get any damn rest. I’m basically at my wits end!
So as I’ve put the blame on literally everything else I can think of, it leaves me wondering.... what is happening in my life that is causing me to be so restless? Is it one or all of the many reasons I’ve listed above? Or is it something rooted in my subconscious? Maybe it could be the culmination of mental health issues that have surfaced in the last couple years, or maybe moving apartments really would help. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of surprises with my mental health this year, maybe something else is lurking in the shadows. Whether the issue be something tangible, or something more impalpable the only way to get to the root of the problem is by self reflection. Maybe documenting my emotions and thoughts in this blog will help. All I know is that I need peace.
Wishing all of my fellow sleepless peeps the deepest most magical sleep of your lives tonight.
Until next time,
B.
February 08, 2023
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